Grief, Healing and Gratitude

Warning: NOT a pregnancy announcement and long post ahead.

I don’t even know where to start but I guess this is it — 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈. I try my best to have my Facebook contain only the positive and funny ones. I sail good, I’d say. Then at one point, you’d see or hear me wear my heart on my sleeves — moments I’d throw my anchor down and celebrate the loved ones I miss or for the first time, something like this.

I came across this Facebook photo of a car, where there’s this sign in the back window saying “Learning stick sorry for any delay.” Then Hailey (the writer of TDD) told a story of how patient she was following the slow car. She continued by asking herself: “Would I have been just as patient if the sign hadn’t been there?” And she said NO. She continued: We don’t know what someone is going through. We don’t wear signs that illustrate our personal struggles. You don’t see signs taped to people’s shirts that say, “Going through a divorce”, or “Lost a child”, or “Feeling depressed”, or “Diagnosed with cancer”. If we could read visually what those around us are going through we would definitely be nicer. But we shouldn’t have to see signs and have reasons to treat strangers with kindness. We should do it anyway, whether we know what is going on or not. Whether they deserve it or not.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my days when I don’t have extra dose of kindness to give. I’ve also been tested many times and ended up being impatient and disrespectful to others. It’s safe to say that we are all trying to be a better person every single day. We always try, right, despite our sorrows.

My sorrow — nobody knew about it, only my husband.

“Kailan kayo mag-aanak?”

“Hindi pa ba kayo mag-aanak?”

“Ayaw niyo pa kasing mag-anak e!”

There was this time when I randomly bumped into someone who barely knows me and my husband, and without even greeting me or asking how am I doing she abruptly asked:

“Ano, buntis na ba?!”

I smiled and said, “hindi pa po.”

Without a second, she walked past me like I did lose the first round of a rapid Q&A game. Like okay, you’re-not-pregnant-so-I’m-no-interested-talking-to-you-anymore.

Then, there’s this comment addressed to my husband:

“Sana magka-baby na kayo, para hindi na aso yung kini-kiss mo.”

I’ve also accidentally heard people talk behind my back, people that my husband and I are very close to:

“Sayang ‘no, wala pa rin silang anak?”

“Dapat kasi magpahinga muna siya sa work.”

“Siguro si Jenny ang may problema.”

It is not a surprise to me that people will think that I am having problems, my husband already has a teenage son after all. It’s like a testimony that he is capable and… and that makes me the one who is yet to prove her fertility. Oh I’ve heard worse! People commenting about my weight and skin, questioning my lifestyle, concluding we’re not in a happy marriage, making fun of my love for dogs and more. BUT I want to pat myself on the back for being dauntless. This is true! Whenever relatives, friends and even strangers (to me) ask me about when will I ever get pregnant — I never hold back. I would patiently smile and say “hopefully soon.” It doesn’t mean I’m okay with everything but I stood my ground. I have been slowly learning how and when to give other people power over my emotions. I have also been learning how to shrug off INAPPROPRIATE comments and questions concerning my state. I thought, there are times that it’s better to let things be and let people be; no need to explain, no need to win everyone, no need to be perfect, no need to chase answers and no need to force other people to understand where you’re coming from. Because sometimes, people who have a lot to say about you are the same people who have no clue about what you have been going through. 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒚 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒖𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒎𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒍 𝒕𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒍 𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒔/𝒅𝒐𝒄𝒕𝒐𝒓’𝒔 𝒇𝒆𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒐, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒗𝒐𝒍𝒖𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒃𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒚𝒎𝒑𝒕𝒐𝒎𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒆𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒊𝒏𝒈. Over and above that, I have tried training my mind to think that these people want us badly to have a bigger family but they are just having trouble expressing their feelings.

There are good days, and there are bad days. It is NOT easy, I tell you. There are days when my husband would feel the need to reassure me, “I will never leave you, no matter what.”

“I already have Paris and you, I’m good with that.”

“I will just take care of you for the rest of my life.”

Then there are days when I feel like giving up, “What happens if this does not work again?”

“What if we end up thinking there’s something missing?”

“What if it gets worse?”

The struggle I chose to keep to myself and my husband — it cried the hell out of my body. My sleeping pattern was messed up, I’ve had bad hair loss, skin patches, back-pain, I get sunburned easily and more. It gets harder to recover and it feels like the people around me become more and more INSENSITIVE. There are also days when my body cooperates but emptiness suddenly fills my heart. Still, I was determined to be stronger until my husband asked me, “Doesn’t it hurt when they ask you?” That pinched my heart.

He asked further, “are you okay?” Then the pain spread all over my body.

You see, I have a scar in here that is with me always — I got it while I’ve been fighting PCOS. It first appeared when I took the very first pregnancy test after our marriage, it was negative; it bled every time I get the same results when we try; and it bled harder when I tested positive but no, God’s said “it’s not yet the time.” When I finally broke down in front of my husband, it dawned on me that being resilient is not the only key! In order for someone to move forward to healing, one must acknowledge that they are vulnerable and grieving. So, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐 𝒈𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒇. I had to call out myself for being respectful to others but tough on my own body, my emotions and my spirit. It’s harder than I thought, but allow me to say that you’re finally reading a piece of my broken but still, beating heart. Not an overnight thing for I took my time! I embraced my falling, tried harder to trust God’s plans, and hold onto my husband’s hand like a weakling. We travel more often, spent our hard-earned money like there’s no tomorrow, double the treats we give our dogs, and unapologetically live our lives no matter what the f*ck other people say. And oh, I have two new favorite tricks: One, I leave a conversation when I no longer feel comfortable/delete Facebook comments when I feel like they insult me and my dogs. Two, I’ve learned to handpick my favorite person of the day and dwell into their love notes for life:

“Wag niyong i-pressure, darating din yan.”

“Hey Jen, you can safely ask me questions and I have books din about hormonal support!”

“Araw-araw ko kayong pinagdadasal mag-asawa.”

“I love you so much, ate!”

“Tara, Balabac tayo?”

You know who you are! You are the kinds of people who remind me that MY perspective is important. Thank you for being considerate, and for helping me stabilize the foundation from where I stand. So, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒈𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒇, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒖𝒅𝒆! Life is indeed hard, people are indeed rude BUT both still lead me to finding deeper gratitude.

To my friends and relatives — I know that most of you genuinely want us to have little ones. We hear you and we are thankful for having more people praying with us. I hope that we pray in low tones and in a gentle manner. 😊

To my PCOSisters — there is this untold stats about the number of people who are commenting about your condition is probably equal to or not far from the number of people who don’t even know what PCOS stands for. You’d be surprised that some of them belong in the same group! Do not listen to them! Listen to an expert, visit your doctor. Stay patient, hopeful, and trust your journey! God never forgets the desire of our hearts AND God is healing! 🙏🏻

To all other girls — you may or you may haven’t been fighting the same battle but I want you to remember, nobody has the right to force or pressure you to have children by a certain age or just to have children period. Not only “it’s your body, your rules” BUT also, we are not obligated to live up to others’ expectations and let them decide our happiness. Infertility or having no children by choice is NOT a sign of weakness. Don’t be too hard on yourself! 💪🏻

To my husband — you rock! Tara, Siquijor tayo?

Lastly — I hope that despite our sorrows, we grieve with hope; we heal from the things we are afraid to talk about; and we find gratitude in every step.